Here is a list of the everyday things that really get on me knockers:
- When you lose the tie from your dressing gown and you are walking round the house trying to keep your baps under wraps.
- When someone is driving in front of you at 2mph.
3. When you pay for something and they give you a 100 million pounds in change dumped on top of a fiver. Can’t move hand otherwise money is going to fly everywhere
4. When you leave a tissue in your black jeans pocket and put them in the wash.
5. When people park in a disabled persons space without a badge, or in a parent and baby space with no children. Just walk you lazy kretin.
6. When you are bursting for a wee and have to pay an obscure amount to get past the barrier. 17p, 17p, 17-going-to-pee-myself right now.
7. When you realise a self checkout machine has more authority in life than you.
8. Trying to ‘make-do’ with the scraggy strands of tissue at the end of a toilet roll.
9. When you run a bath after a long day at work, strip off, jump in and its freezing cold. What a waste of a whole lid-full of Radox/Matey bubble bath.
10. When you’ve just spent hours cleaning your car and a bird poos all over it. Brilliant.
11. When you make the slightest misjudgement whilst shaving. Blood in the bath. On the towel. On the floor. On your new dress. On your shoes. On your hand. Now it’s on your face. Right, not going out.
12. When you buy groceries online and they bring you something completely different. I asked for Bananas not avocados. They are not even related.
13. Predictive text trying to outsmart you. No, I did not mean ‘duck’. Who even says duck off! Now my argument is as light as a ducks feather.
14. When you clean the kitchen top to bottom and somebody leaves crumbs on the counter or a cup in the sink. Raging.
15. When the metal clasps in a folder pops out of the paper. Are you ducking kidding.
16. When someone puts a wet spoon in the sugar pot and it’s now brown and lumpy. Totally not cool for my Weetabix.
17. LURPAK SPREADABLE. Is that actually a joke?
18. The lack of basic spelling on Burnley buy and sell.
19. When your iPad/iphone charger doesn’t reach your bed.
20. When you spot a rare parking space at Trafford Centre. You race down feeling rather smug, turn the wheel and see a smart car sat there. A smart car.
21. You have something important to tweet and have to decide which spelling/grammar murder you are going to commit to fit it all in.
22. Facebook status: ‘Can’t believe it. Distraught’ … ‘Whats up bbs?’ ‘Inbox me’. Seriosuly wtf.
23. The awkward skip/run people do at zebra and pedestrian crossings. Just stop it. The man is on green, its your right of way. Walk properly
24. When you are told to go to bed to ‘sleep it off’. I wasn’t aware that my opinion of you will change with 8 hours sleep. I am not a computer, you cannot reboot me and hope for the best.
25. Council tax. What does it even pay for? I want an itemised receipt please.
26. When people tell you to ‘put your name down’ for something. Where does your name even go down?
27. When people change their names on Facebook to: ‘Mumsy’, ‘Kalebs Mums’, ‘Barbie’, on Facebook. Just stop it.
28. Storytoppers. You know the ones. You have a great story to tell from a night out/ a holiday/ a recent boyfriend and theres always that one person who story tops you. If I went to vegas, they have been 3 times and stayed in a bunk bed with Celine Dion.
29. Adrian Chiles attempting football analysis/commentary. Seriously.
30. Kirby grips/tampons/ bobbles. When you need one you can’t find one, when you don’t need one, they are EVERYWHERE.